The systemic gaze:
“All children are good, and so are their parents” (Hellinger). All act out of love.
Through their symptoms and problems, children look at the excluded parents can’t see, on their parents’ behalf, out of love (blind love). Why can’t parents see the excluded? They too do it for love, blind love. When their parents can take the excluded with love into their hearts (enlightened love), the children are then liberated.
A child who “makes up” having a sister or brother may be acknowledging a dead sister or brother the parents are ignoring (a miscarriage, an abortion), a dead child that desperately needs to be taken in with love.
A child who wants a pet is telling us that there is someone excluded that needs to be acknowledged, the pet is for the child the closest living replica of the excluded he or she is unconsciously trying to “save” from exclusion.
Academic failure: A child who fails at school, who can’t pass his/her exams, who has problems with certain subjects, who doesn’t like school work, or does not do his/her homework… A systemic approach will show where is the child’s failure looking at, at whom (a former partner that is despised, or the actual father or mother of the child perhaps, or may be some other member of the family system, whether dead or alive). In bringing this excluded into the light, the parent may take this person back in with love, so the son or daughter does not need to do it any more via his/her problem (only through love are we liberated from the ancestor or rejected person, and only through love can we also liberate them from us so they can have peace).
Only one of the parents needs to be involved in the systemic work, even if the problem relates to the partner (though both parents may attend too). In the child, parents have a common destiny, in which both of their family systems meet. Either one of the parents may take in with love the excluded of the other.
- Difficulties with maths reveal a disconnection with the father.
- Difficulties with writing, reading and spelling reveal a disconnection in relation to the mother’s line.
- Difficulties in learning a certain language: these often reveal a conflict between a member of the family system and someone from the country of that language. Reconciliation between both, facilitated by constellation work, translates in ease of learning of the foreign language.
- “Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder” often reveals an unconscious identification with many excluded that demand the child’s attention, excluded who the child looks at on his/her parents’ behalf.
- Addictions generally reveal a loyalty to a man despised by a woman, generally the father, rejected by the mother.
- A person who is disconnected from her mother, does not allow herself learn.
- Bullying –a victim of bullying is often atoning on behalf of an ancestor/ancestors who caused hurt to others and did not assume their responsibility or compensate for their actions. The child, unconsciously, out of love, pays for him, on his behalf. A bully may be unconsciously avenging an ancestor who was hurt, or identifying with a perpetrator who was excluded. Underneath the bully’s anger and cruelty there is an enormous pain that needs to be acknowledged.
A resonance between the family systems of the bully and the bullied brings both together (they need each other to fulfill their mission of love, blind love). The children cannot do anything to escape these dynamics, their parents can. The constellation work will bring these dynamics into the light, putting a healing movement in motion.
When a victim and a perpetrator reconcile, the bond of love that emerges is of the strongest kind. This reconciliation is powerful and radiates across systems, healing many.
How can a teacher help systemically?:
- taking her parents and the child’s parents into her heart, with love and with respect. When we try to supplant someone’s parents, when we think we are better for the child than his/her natural parents, we are hurting the child and his entire family system. The consequences are serious, as family constellation work reveals. In supplanting someone’s mother, not only do we disconnect that person from his/her mother (from success, from love, from abundance, from physical health…) or father (from professional realisation, from strength, from the connection with the world, from accepting reality as it is, from mental health…), but we are also bringing serious consequences onto ourselves.
- A child whose parents are not respected by the teacher, will not take from/learn with that teacher.
- A teacher can also help systemically by respecting the founders of his/her academic institution and its hierarchy (in terms of function, and seniority).
- Respecting the old teaching methods, and the purpose they served in their time, which paradoxically will allow us move into the new (respecting the ancestors).
- Respecting the priority of the student’s family values over the school’s.
For children related issues, the constellations facilitator will work with the parents (or either one of them), not with the children. The parents won’t tell the children: as Hellinger states, “the good help is silent”.